Almost home

Well, two more days until she's home with the new funbags. (hey, she wants me to call them that.)

I'm looking forward to seeing her again. Let me tell you, the last few weeks have been really crappy. I hate being alone. Yeah, it's true. I guess that when you spend almost 4.5 years with someone, you get to the point where you are used to having that perosn around, and I have to admit, as much as I love my dogs, I have to admit, that they really aren't the same as having her around.

I guess that I will have to let you know how things go when she gets home. No, I doubt that I will be allowed to post up pix of how they look, but I will be sure to let you know what her overall impressions of her MD were and what she thinks of the overall experience.

More later...... probably much later as we have some plans for when she gets home Friday night and I have to work on Saturday. Might not be until Sunday or next week when I actually have free time at home to do more writing.

OK Back again...

OK, sorry about the short post previously, I was in a bit of a tizzy as I had gotten some very bad news about a very good friend. Now he is doing better and I can concentrate a little bit more.

So, she has boobies now. I haven't seen them yet, but be sure that when I do I will let you know what I think. They have them wrapped up right now and will be unwrapping them on Sunday.

I have had a couple people ask me if this is going to change our relationship at all. I have put a lot of thought into it lately, and I have to say that if anything, I think that it will change it for the better. I know that I have talked about this before, but that is when it was just something coming up. Now it's done and I have to really think about it. I know that it will be fun, and it will be easier on us in some ways as she will be more womanly looking and not have to deal with so much BS from the general public, but beyond that... like I always say, a day at a time.

The only scary part was when she had to go to the hospital yesterday because she was having bad cramping in her legs. Turns out that being off her meds for the surgery had the side effect of dropping her potassium level down. Good thing is they caught it, so that is being taken care of and will not become a major issue now. On the other hand, it was a few hours of twitchiness that I really didn't need :)

OK, I think that is all for now. I will be posting sometime next week I'm sure, unless I get all done up and have to do a Thanksgiving post as well :)

Make sure you eat all you can on Thursday, and enjoy the friends and family in your life. Remember, Family is what you make it. Just because someone is not married or related by blood does not mean that they are not family, just that they are family you chose.

They're in!!

Well, she is now a double D.

Everything went well and she should be back at the end of next week or the beginning of the week after that depending on the bus schedules.

I would write more, but we just got some bad news that a close friend is not doing well, so I will leave you with this for now. Live like it is your last day, love like you have never loved before and experience every little thing to the fullest for you never know when your time will come.

War and Peace

OK, I know it is a rather long novel, but it also seems to be a good way to define our relationship some days.

She came back from NYC and we have been doing well, getting everything ready for the big day, talking, all that good stuff.

She told me that now that this is a reality to her, that she feels a kind of peace with the world type feeling and wants to start over and not be so bitchy.... best way I can describe it without going into a long dissertation as she did... Anyways... things have indeed been better. No knife wielding, no knock down drag out fights. The house is in great shape from both our efforts (did a little redecorating as we went too, worked out very nicely). And then we got the phone call.

Because of a kink in the surgeon's schedule, she needed to move the surgery date. Fortunately, it was sooner than later. Now she is going on for the enhancement on the 17th and being unwrapped on Thanksgiving as the Doctor leaves the next day. On top of all this, I lost my full time job. (donations accepted, e-mail for paypal details :))

So here we are, in a bit of a holding pattern for the next week and a half until she goes down the NYC for the surgery. Now, though, she is also getting the pre-op jitters it seems. It all kinda hit her the other day that she is actually getting it done and all. Then she tells me how she found all this bad info on the doc, I went online to check it out and realized that this is nothing more than one or maybe two people who had a bad experience and are running their mouths about it. Thing is, I don't care who you are, if you are a plastic surgeon who has been working in the field for 35 years and is board certified, I figure you must have some small idea what the hell you're doing. Of course, in the course of 35 years, I also figure that anyone who tells you they were never sued is also likely to be a liar as well, especially in that business. Hell, I cut hair and I know what it is like to have people come in with unreal expectations and not get the point that you can't work magic.

So we are getting through this a day at a time, I'm working on trying to be down there for the surgery, but since we just had a stylist walk out, I don't know how much flexibility we are going to have here.

Hope this finds you all well and getting ready for Thanksgiving. I am trying to keep this updated more often now, especially since I only have the one job to tie up my time now :)

She's on the way home

Yeppers, she's gonna be home for a few weeks. It'll be nice to go back to the bickering and arguing on a regular basis again, I miss that and it's really tough to argue with yourself (yeah, I tried it, so sue me).

Just kidding. IN reality, I miss her like crazy because after almost found and a half years, you get used to having someone around to talk to and to hsare your day with and all that. Granted, the sex is good too, but it's really the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Just about have the house looking how I want it (was supposed to have until tomorrow, so I can't be held responsible for that, this was my cleaning day) so it shouldn't be a bad evening overall.

Maybe we'll sit together and watch a movie or something. I have a tub of Kettlecorn from Blockbuster to go with it (back on sale at 2 for $3, and I love their popcorn). We'll see.

Oh yeah, no funbags yet (I know, but that is what she told me to call them, don't blame me on that one :)). She has to have a couple appointments with her regular doc for clearance, then she will be going back down to the City around Thanksgiving for the surgery. On the plus side, she will be staying down there for the recovery, so I will not be listening to the complaining (yeah, I'll hear it about that one, but that's OK too.)

Anyways, back to the cleaning and I hope that you all have a great day!!

Why do I have to be such a guy sometimes????

I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true.

She is in NYC right now for some Doctor appointments and will likely be coming back a bit more top heavy than when she went down there. I miss her like crazy, but when we get on the hone together, it's like all that goes into hiding and that is frustrating as hell. I don't know why that is, just that it annoys me. I try to be more open and stuff, but it is difficult. For some reason I just can't seem to bring myself to be emotional on the phone.

The other thing is that I feel like she is ignoring me now that she is getting some work done. I know that she is excited and nervous and all that, but hey, I have a life too and there are things going on in it that I want to share too. I am starting a new business of my own and I wanted to share that with her and when I was talking to her about it earlier, she said, "What business?" I was so upset, feeling like my life didn't matter to her. I don't like that either. I know that if I was the one going in for this surgery, I would be nervous as hell, of course, I have a more grounded idea of exactly what they are going to do, but that is just my background speaking (see previous post for that :))

I guess that part of the initial problem is that I spend so freaking much time on the phone for work that I don't know how to just talk on the phone any more. To me it has become something that I spend 12 hours a night doing as a job (no, as much as I know some of you would love it, I am not a sex line operator). I guess I just want her to realize that I really miss her too. She wanted me to talk a little dirty and all I could do was bust out laughing. I can't talk dirty wtih a straight face for some reason.

Ah well, I guess I just have to learn how to get past it. More updates to follow.

OMG!! Are those BOOBIES?!?!?!?!

OK, I know that title sounds a little juvenile, but if you knew me, you would know that I make it a point to never act my age. I credit this attitude for my youthful looks and energy :)

I held off a little bit longer than I wanted to on writing this because I knew that there was something in the works, something big. Well, about a DD big. Yeah, she is getting the breast augmentation done. Most likely, it will be around Thanksgiving, so I guess we will both have something to be thankful for.

A lot of thought has been running around in my brain pan of late, well since she told me that the funding for it had been secured anyway. I guess it is one of those things that you do when your life is changing. I know that I love this person and that the gender change will not make a difference in that, so that is not the issue, I guess I am wondering what kind of changes this will bring in the relationship because it is going to change how she feels about herself and that can affect everything. Hopefully, it will be for the better.

Part of me wants to run around yelling that I have a new set of fun bags to play with (OK, that was really juvenile, but hey, that's what is going through my head.) The other part of me is waiting cautiously to see what happens. I know that there is going to be a period of griping, bitching and general unpleasantness as she recovers from the surgery (I mean hell, they cut a hole in your chest and shove a big gummy-bear like thing in underneath the muscle and stretch it all to hell and back.... you can't tell me that doesn't hurt like a bastard!!!!) and am hoping that it is a rather quick recovery and minimal complaining :)

I think that I am definitely going to be taking some before shots so that we can document this whole thing. I really wish I had thought of that back in the beginning, because I think that a once a week picture of the transition would have been an amazing documentary. Ah well, such is life, hind sight is always 20/20 eh?

OK, I need to go finish making dinner now. I will keep trying to make these updates a little more frequently. Now that we are up to full staff at the salon, I get a day off here and there so I should be able to fit in a little more blogging time.

Until then, have blast and enjoy life :)

How much is too much?

Probably seems like an odd question to some of you, but others may understand what I mean.

How much is too much? I mean, how much of the mood swings and the arguments and the crying because everything isn't just perfect can you take before you say, ENOUGH!

No worries, we are still together, but the other night, we hit a point where I had to go for a drive because if I had stayed, it would have gotten very ugly indeed. I actually went and parked a few blocks away and sat there, listening to my radio, just thinking about things. Wondering if there is a line that can be crossed that would tell me that this is the limit and there is no more allowed. I don't know for sure what the answer to that is, or if there really is an answer. Some days I just feel like an emotional punching back, when I run out of sand, just fill me back up and take another whack at me. Other days, things are great and we get along great. I don't always know what to say or do, I do my best to let it slide off my back, but there are times when she just keeps pushing at the buttons. I don't really think that it is on purpose, but it pushes the buttons none the less.

I rarely get to the point where I have to walk away, but I do have a temper underneath it all, and sometimes she just nails the button right so that it sets off the temper. The only good thing at that point is that I know when that time I and I know when to walk away before it escalates into something that it shouldn't be. I hate going over it afterwards, because I always feel like I am placing all the blame on her, and that just doesn't feel right.

I guess the whole point to this is that there really is no solid, set in stone answer to this question. It is something that you have to decide for yourself, and hopefully, it will be before something bad happens.

I'm still working pretty much every single day, so posts are more likely to come when there is something like this of either great import or that I need to work out in my head. I will dow what I can to get them up and running, but sometimes, I just haven't got the energy left to sit here and do it.

On that note.... Time for me to crawl off to bed after running the spell check (when I get typing, I don't really care as much about the accuracy of the spelling as I am in sucha hurry to get the thoughts out of me head before they get lost in the great morass of my mins :))

Have a great night.

The ups and the downs

There are both in any relationship. Sometimes there seems to be more downs than ups, but if you want to make it work, you just have to tough them out and get through till the ups come back around again. Sometimes it will take longer than others, but they will come back eventually.

I figure that it's like going through a tunnel. Some tunnels are longer than others and some just have some traffic that make them take longer. All you have to do is have faith that you will come out the other side intact. beyond that, al you have to do is know that this is a learning experience. You may not realize what you are learning until later down the road, but you will learn something from it. Whether it is nothing more than getting better at letting things slide off your back, or just learning to listen to what is behind the words being thrown at you, you will find some small kernel (or even a large one) that you can take away with you and store away in you mind for future use.

Just remember, when your other half is taking any type of hormones, whether it be male or female, they are going to be doing battle with what is already in the body from the biological gender. This will cause some interesting mood swings.

Sometimes you just have to try to sit in the middle of the boat and ride out the storm until it is safe to get back to shore.

I hope that your journeys are ones of trust and learning about each other.

Good night

Soothing the Savage Beast

Music. There are a lot of sayings about music soothing the savage beast and all that, but behind each saying, there is a little nugget of truth.

I realized today, that music is meant to move us. Well, most music is, some is just nothing more than a bunch of tones strung together and made popular by mass media. Every once in a while though, we come across a song that strikes us to the core and allows us to reaffirm those things in life that we have had doubts about or that we are growing less sure of.

As I said a couple posts back, things have been a little out of whack lately, and I know that it has affected me too because I have been letting things get to me more than I usually do when she gets in one of her moods. The other day, as I was driving into the salon to go to work, I was listening to my MP3 player and came across a song that I had not heard in a while. As the song played, I listened to the lyrics and realized that there was something to be learned from them. At least to me. I am not saying that there is a song out there that will talk to everyone the same way. While mine is a club mix, yours may be a ballad, pop, country, or even something classical. The trick is to let the music speak to you and listen to what it tells you.

Trying to impose your own meaning over the music will not get you anywhere, you have to listen to what the music is telling you to really get the concept.

What most people don’t realize is that music actually is a living thing, or rather, it takes on a life of its own after it is released. A song that I may feel is about loosing something may seem to you to be about finding something. It as all in the interpretation. Since we all have our own individual viewpoint, we each tend to see things a little bit differently.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is that when all else fails, listen to your music collection and see what pops out at you. Whether it is in the car while you are driving, or while you are home working around the house, going to bed, or even at work if you are lucky enough to be able to listen to your music there. You will eventually find that one song that can get you back on track and where you need to be. I call this my anthem. We all have an anthem. The Anthem of Ourselves. Doesn’t matter what kind of music it is, but it will get you up when you’re down, and back on track when you are derailed.

Another Month Down

And the rest of our lives to go. Patience is a virtue, and lately, it seems to be in short supply. I know that some of you out there are wondering where I am going to take this one, so sit back and relax and let me show you.

Recently, through a bad turn of events and a few people who I barely qualify as human, my better half found herself in a bit of a predicament. Now, I have to say, I haven't known a lot of people over the years that bounce as well as she does (take that however you like ;)), she just randomly goes places and runs into former customers that still want her to groom their dogs for them. I mean, she goes to file for medical assistance, and runs into one of her former customers that works there. I still can't figure it out. She must have done some seriously good shit in a previous life.

Anyways, onto the patience part.

Now, while she is waiting for a determination on her assistance, she has been looking at other options for financing her surgery, and it seems as though she just can't wait to hear back from them. She is champing at the bit and begging to go way out on a limb to get this done. Believe me, I know that this is something that will make her feel complete and whole for the first time in her life and I know that this is something that will make our lives that much easier, but by the same token, if the system that you have spent the last how many years paying into is able to help you out, then why not be patient and wait a little bit and let them do it, or at least wait until they turn you down before you go out there doing things that will overextend you.

Mind you, I have to admit, there are some serious boobies there now that were definitely not there before, but I also know that she needs the surgical help to get them where she needs them to be also know that big boobs don't help much if you're living in a cardboard box. I guess I Am just afraid of being overextended and loosing what we have.

I want to close this out with a paragraph from one of my favorite authors, Laurell K. Hamilton. This is from her novel Incubus Dreams. "There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. I(t doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."

This book is from the Anita Blake series, if you are a fan of Vampire and werewolf fiction set in current times (also called Alternate history writing), this is definitely worth the read.

Have a safe journey.

Just Because

Free time? What's that??? Anyway, as I am sure you can tell, things are still kinda crazy with my schedule. Some things happen for a reason. The thing is to be able to see beyond what all is going on right then to see the bigger picture and begin to understand the reason behind it.

We have found ourselves in a bit of a tight spot, and now we have to figure out why. I know that we will get through it. That is the strength of our relationship.

The biggest problem with a stress inducing life change can have is that it is prone to causing depression. Like the commercial says, "Depression hurts everyone."

I'm sitting here trying to think what else to type, and nothing is coming to mind. I think I may be a bit fried from my schedule... either that or I just haven't found the answer we need yet.

Why love is

The real key to making any relationship work, is finding a balance between the two of you. It comes down to knowing when to stand up for what you want, and when to back down and compromise. Someone once told me that love is nothing more than how much of your significant other’s bullshit you can put up with. I think that, while this may play a part in it, it is not the sum whole of love. As said in previous posts and will say again here, Love Is.

All too often, people try to quantify love, to put it in a nice neat package. The problem is, love doesn’t fit in a nice neat package. Love is messy, icky, scattered, disorganized and constantly changing. This is the pure beauty of love and why it is so hard for people to really find love these days. Some web sites will have you believe that they can find you love based on a bunch of neat little questions. I took one of those matching quizzes one night just out of curiosity (and sheer boredom) and honestly feel that, while matching you up with someone who will be able to cohabitate with you, I don’t think that they really get into the messy sticky parts that make a relationship into love. Sure, you can put up with the fact that I like to keep my office clean but cluttered, but are you into kinky sex? Am I for that matter? The thing is, no matter what some head shrinker tells you, you need to find that love for yourself and find that person who’s likes and dislikes can fit into yours.

Love is like a puzzle. Of course, in this puzzle, there are only 2 pieces, and there is the option to reshape the pieces a little. Five a little here, take a little there and suddenly you have a great fit for the next little bit of time until the shape of the puzzle changes.

A true relationship does that, it changes and adapts over time. You get two people who enjoy running together every day. Life is great and their puzzle works well and fits nicely. Suddenly, one day one of them is hit by a drunk driver on the way home form work and can never walk again. The puzzle just changed. They can no longer share that run each day. The ting is, this does not need to mean an end o the relationship, just a change in it. The key to big challenges like this is not to focus on what has been lost, but to focus on what you still have. You still have someone who loves you and cares about you, but if you let the fact that you can’t walk or run anymore weigh so heavily on you that you turn away from life, you will loose that. To use the key, you focus on what you have. Sure you can’t run, but let’s say you are in a wheelchair and have full use of the upper body, then with some work, you can get back out there again and wheel along right beside your other half.

Too many times, we see people who loose something and cannot see past that. They need to learn to see the positives in life, and not just the negatives.

We had a relationship based on a gender-oriented attraction. Now, the gender of one half is up in the air as it transitions form one to the other, and part of that puzzle has changed. Instead of getting upset and focusing on the fact that I am not being with someone of a specific gender, I chose to focus on the positive. We have a life we have built together over the past four years and our family and the home we have built together.

Instead of deciding to cut and run because of the loss of one part of the relationship, we chose to focus on the positives of what we have together and keep going at this relationship. What it comes down to is that love can overcome anything if you give it a chance. The old fable of Beauty and the Beast is more than just a romantic fairy tale, it is a historical reference to an idea that truly is as old as time.

While we may wish some days that love would be this awesome wonderful thing that you can’t get enough of, in reality, it is the hugging and kissing, the shared moments, the arguments, the all out fights, the bull shit, horse shit and any other shit you can think of and even all the little cutise things like watching them sleep and waking up in the middle of the night and feeling better because you can hear them breathing next to you.

This is why Love is.

The Video Blog

Giving this a try. Hope it works.



Thought you might all like a chance to see what goes into a blog post here. Fair Warning, I do drop 2 F-Bombs in here. Haven't figured out how to bleep yet :)

Wrap your mind around it

Because, in all honesty, there are days when I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole concept. The person I fell in love with 4 years ago is not the person I live with today. Physically anyway. In all the ways that count, she still is, and that seems to be enough for me.

I have to admit, I have yet to really broach this subject, simply because I wasn't sure that I had my brain wrapped far enough around it to really make a stab at it here. now I realize, that perhaps this is the best place to being it out, after all, this my be just what I need to really get the old brain pan fired up and running on all cylinders.

As we approach our 4th anniversary, I take a look back on the last four years of my life and have done a boat load of thinking on it. It took me a long time to get to a point where I was comfortable enough in my sexuality to approach my family and let them know. Now I am sitting here asking a question and being asked a question... "Am I still gay?"

In order to answer this, I have to be totally honest, and admit that I have always been attracted to people, not by their gender, but by a combination of tangible and non tangible traits. Yeah, you have to look good to get my attention, but when it comes down to it, if there isn't a personality to back up the looks, what's the pojt?

The way I see it, you con only spend so much time doing the dirty, the rest of the time you have to have something in common and be able to carry on an intelligent conversation, or else you have nothing but a long term one night stand. That might be nice when you are young, but not for the long term.

I love my wonderful better half for who she is, not what is or isn't between her legs, and if anything, this transition has brought that wonderful person more to the fore of the relationship. There is a lot of truth to the psychologist's saying that you can not love or be loved truly until you can truly love yourself. If you are not happy being in the incorrect gender, then how can you really find that one person you are meant to be with? Some people get lucky, like we did, but so many people go through this long winding road alone because they are not able to form that deep and significant bond that is needed to have this type of relationship. They are too busy being unhappy with themselves to be able to find that. Now, I realize that I just made a huge generalization and there are going to be some people that are going to ge their panties (or boxer briefs) in a snit, but before you bombard me with e-mail, think about it for a minute and it just might make a little bit of sense.

How do I approach this from a physical perspective? Well, I was a little hesitant at first, and there are still days where I put my whole foot in my mouth (and when you are not a professional contortionist, that is rather difficult and can be a bit painful as well) and will likely make more mistakes as we go on, but I do the best I can and take it all day by day. The sex is amazing now, much better than it was before the transition started, so I know that there is not a problem there. I guess the part that really makes me think, is all the changes taken as a group. The name change is starting to come into effect now as well, and when you have called someone by the same name for 4 years, that is not an easy one to make.

Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't understand my point of view on things, but I know that she does read my blog, and I know that she is always willing to talk about things (even if it takes an all out verbal barrage between us to get it out in the open where we can settle down and talk about it) and with that, we can make it through anything.

I think that, for me, the real hard part is not knowing where I really belong any more. Before, I never really had to worry about it, but now, after being part of a community of wonderful people, I have already started to see a change in attitudes, and even though I know that these people are not truly friends, or that they may come around in the long run, it still hurts a little bit each time to loose a part of that lifestyle.

For Pete's sake, I work as a hairstylist, how am I supposed to be straight? (Note: that was a joke, you may laugh now ;)) Unfortunately, taking the good with the bad is a part of life, no matter what you do. I just feel that people need to learn to accept one another all the way around, it isn't just about gay and straight any more, it is about everyone.

OK, I think I am getting some carpal tunnel starting here after all this typing, so I am going to bid you all a good evening and wish you the best on your journey. hopefully, my laptop will be arriving shortly and I can work from places I haven't been able to work from before, giving me the opportunity to update a little more often.

Thanks for listening.

Back to it

Hey there. I have to apologize for the lack in updates lately. As some of you may know, I am now working full time nights and part time days. Doesn't leave a whole lot of time to work on this project.

Things are going well, and we are looking around for options that are cost effective and will help things along. We came across references to orchiectomy and started to research it as a viable option for progressing along the transitional path. The surgical procedure is a removal of the testicles,which are not used in GRS anyway, and will remove the testosterone from the system. This will help in the transition as it will allow the HRT to really work on the body, while eliminating the physical conflict within the body caused by the HRT fighting the testosterone naturally formed by the body.

The other benefit to this procedure, is that it allows the transition to move forward, while not costing the full amount of a GRS.

OK, time to go back to work now, but I promise to work to keep the updates coming.

Have a great one, and remember, love is. No qualifiers, it just is.

Made it through the wedding

Things went really well and she was a hit. Nothing more to write now... just too tired. Working full time nights and part time days really wears you out after a while.

Have a great one.

Fashion

Wow. I never thought that this would end up being a topic for this particular blog.

As it turns out, it is. We are going to my cousin's wedding this weekend, and I have to say, what to wear has been the biggest headache for this weekend. Not the drive, not the accommodations, not figuring out who will watch the dogs, but fashion.

During the course of my almost 35 years, I have had the good fortune to grow up in a professional family, and learned at a young age what the socially acceptable forms of dress are for various occasions. Having an average sized extended family, I have had numerous opportunities to attend weddings, funerals, baptisms and other such events. My other half on the other hand, did not. Of course, what we have attended together to this point, we were both attending as males, and that was easy enough to work with.

Now, she has spent a lot of years perfecting the art of the female illusionist on stage and is a phenomenal performer. The key is, when you are on stage, you want to stand out and be noticed. At a social event like a wedding, you are better off blending in. I had to put the foot down and reserve executive veto on this topic, just to keep it from becoming a fiasco. Mind you, my family is open and supportive, but my cousin works in NYC and most of his exposure to gender bending is the flaming drag queens down there. He was a little concerned as his wife-to-be's family seems to have a slightly conservative streak to it. I worked very hard to explain that no one would be aware that there was anything other than female to my other half and set his mind at ease.

Of course, this led to a whole lot of spirited discussion between my other half and myself in regards to appropriate wedding wear. Thankfully, we finally managed to settle on an outfit that we both like.

This looks to be a great weekend ahead, and will be our first real social function since the transition began. I am looking forward to it with great anticipation and think that it will go very well and will do a whole lot to help out her self image and confidence levels as well.

Have a great weekend and I will fill you in when we get back :)

Change is in the air

Well, things certainly are moving along. Yesterday, we did a little research and found out how to go about getting ID that states female instead of male. As it turns out, in New York State, all you need is a letter from your physician, psychologist or psychiatrist that you are transitioning and are living as one gender or the other, despite being born the opposite. I have to say, the glow in her eyes when she proudly showed me the temporary ID stating female was enough to almost make me cry (hey, I was at work, I have to be a little professional).

I guess I have also neglected to mention some other important things, primarily the fact that there are significant body changes as well. Other then the general softening and feminization of the facial features, she is now up to almost a B cup (without surgery at this point) and there is also a definite change in the hips and waist to give that more hourglass-like figure.

While these changes have been gradual, they are apparent enough that 99% of people who pass by in the street have no idea that she was born male. This is what we were looking for. While I realize that not everyone is going to be this lucky, I have to admit, i am glad that we are.

OK, time to go finish the laundry now :)

Have a great day!

Side Effects

Yep, they're going to happen at some point. Let's face it, you are messing around with the chemical make up of the human body. Any time you start messing with that, you are almost asking for a problem. I will grant that in most cases, it is beneficial to the health and life of the individual taking the meds.

The thing is, the human body is a fragile microcosm in constant flux. Adding any type of checicals can have catastrophic results.

Now, the thing you need to do is to make sure that you have a good relationship with your pharmacist and doctor so you can discuss what side effects to expect from the hormone replacement therapy and how to handle them. We just had to make a change in meds as the one was causing side effects that were beginning to interfere with day to day life. Fortunately, between my medical background and a fairly recent copy of the Physician's Desk Reference at home, we were able to get a pretty good idea of which one it was that was causing the problems.

The point here, is that while some side effects are things you can deal with, some are not, and you have to know when to draw the line and where to draw it as well. If you don't know and don't have the support structure to help you figure this out, I would STRONGLY suggest you start working in that direction, be it with your doctor or pharmacist. Of course, having someone at home who has a medical background of some sort is good too.

Remember, this is a transition to become the person you were meant to be. There will likely be a few bumps along the way, but with a little bit of pre-planning and setting up a good support structure, you can ease the transition a little bit more in your direction.

Have a great day and remember, love is.

Random thought #115

Just a thought. Never try to have sex on Mexican night.

Seriously folks, I don't care how many times you washed your hands, if you been chopping jalapeños, you ain't touching my hardware.

Call this a lesson learned from experience tonight. The oils in the jalapeños mixes really well with the lube and HOLY SHIT!! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!! and I mean that quite literally too.

So, just to review, unless you want your parts to feel like Godzilla is going down on you (or you're being eaten alive by a colony of fire ants), no chopping jalapeños if you want the nookie!!!

Eat good and be safe :)

And the vacation is over.

But that's OK too. I have to admit, waking up to her coming home today was a really nice feeling. yeah, I missed her, I admit it, you caught me.

I think that the real test of the relationship is how you feel when your other half gets home from being gone for almost 2 weeks. When I woke up today and saw her there, I finally understood what it meant to feel your heart jump for joy. (OK... that was actually a little bit later, after taking care of some business. 'Nuff said)

Now I know that we will be fine with this transition. I know that our relationship is strong enough to make it through.

OK, enough for now, I have to get back to work, and you need to go back to sleep :) after all, I am writing this at 415am my time. The beauty of working nights.

Like I said before, Love is.

Why do I do this?

OK, so with her being out of town, I have had a little less in the way of input for my anecdotal type reflections on the transition. However, having plenty of free time to work with, I figured I may as well give a little bit of back story here, expand on the last post if you will.

It really is kind of disappointing. There is almost nothing out there for people like me. I know all about what she is going through, but there really isn't any touchstone for me to work with, nothing to let me know if I am doing the right things, saying the right things (OK, that is kind of self evident most of the time, just watch the response). That is why I figured that I would start this little effort on the web. I hope that someday I can start working with some professionals, and perhaps have a real resource web site that will allow the partners of those transitioning to have access to help and information to assist them in getting through the transition.

One of the big things I find I have a hard time with is orientation identification. Granted, I spent a lot of years trying to deny who I am, and when I finally come out and admit that I like the guys, the one I pick to fall in love with ends up being transgendered. This can really toss you a curve ball if you aren't sure where to go. I am fortunate on several levels though, first of all, my family is not only supportive, they are actively supportive, working hard to make sure they make the pronoun changes, being there when either one of us needs someone to talk to (even if it is just about each other) and genuinely caring about the both of us.

Secondly, I am very fortunate to have a partner who, while going through this transition, understands that I have a lot of this crap banging around in my head and is willing to take the time to talk with me and keep our lines of communication open (most of the time, but hey, no one's perfect :)). I am also very, very fortunate that she and my son have a great relationship and he understands what is going on. He knows that no matter what, he has a place where he is loved and cared for.

The way I see it, there are a few things in life that are definite, other than death and taxes. One is that you will find someone who you can love with your whole heart, but you need to love yourself first, and secondly, that wen you find that person, little things like this can not change that love. Test it maybe, but if it is true, you will get through this together.

I have enough background in health and medicine, psychology and comparative theology, that I have a wealth of resources available to me when I have a question. Not everyone in this position is going to be that lucky. But I figured that if we are going thorough the same process (or similar at least, then perhaps you can draw some comfort or even guidance from what I have been through and what insights I have to offer.

Like I said in the last post, if you have a thought or comment, please feel free to leave them below, or click the e-mail link in the last post to drop me a line if it is something that you want to talk to me about on a one to one basis, or something that you would like a less public answer to. I can promise that if I don't know, I will let you know that and see if we can get you pointed in the right direction to find the info you need.

Have a great night and remember, love is. That's it. Love is. Period.

Spreading the word

Well, as you will know if you have read from the beginning, I started this blog to chronicle my journey along the road of my partner's transition. I just want to reiterate my reasons and a couple other little things along the way.

Originally, I was rather surprised to find that there really isn't much in the way of support for partners of transgendered individuals where you can find info and such while going through it. After exhausting Google, I decided that it was time for me to respond to this lack by starting this blog. While I can not really offer medical advice, I can be someone to share with, someone to reassure you or even someone to offer a different point of view. I relay my experience through anecdotes, observations and random thoughts that pass through my brain.

While attempting to pimp out my blog, I was asked by the owners of TG Forum (www.tgforum.com) to write up an article about living through the transition of my loved one. Of course, on the upside, was th fact that I was told I could put a link to my blog in the article. Nothing like free advertising. *GRIN* Anyways, like I said, while I can not offer medical advice per se, I am a good person to bounce questions off of as I have spent the last 16 years working in the health field (resume include 16 years as an Emergency Medical Technician, 13 years of Phlebotomy (drawing blood), 3 years of self education and working with various programs for HIV/AIDS prevention, 3 years as a cardiac technician, and working in a number of doctor's offices over the years) I have a good grasp of western medicine and a fair understanding of eastern or alternative medicine as well. If you have something you want to ask, drop me an e-mail. If it is something that I feel everyone can benefit from , I will use it in a post, along with sending you a personal reply, just don't get upset if it takes me a couple days, I have a crazy schedule.

While I am not a doctor, nor do I profess to be anything more than I am, my background in the health field does come in handy when we are working on things like hormone therapy, drug interactions, talking doctor speak and so on. I find that if a doctor finds that they can talk to you in medical terms and you understand, they are more likely to give you more information, and to listen when you suggest something.

Now I know that not everyone out there who is transgendered (I don't care if it is MTF or FTM) can find someone with my background who will be there for every step of the process, and statistically speaking, it seems that many people choose to transition without the additional burden of a relationship. Yes, I called it a burden. Simply put, it is one more thing that you have to worry about and work at while you are transitioning, and I believe I know why they do it single. Who would want to have more on their plate? My partner and I were already together for over 3 years when she came to me and told me what she needed in life, and at that point, as much as I was scared and not too sure how to answer that, i told her that I would be there, and that if it got to be too much to wrap my head around, I would be willing to find someone to talk to (before I knew how little resources there are for people like me). Not only is our relationship doing well (most days, see reference to mood swings) it is actually better than before in some ways, because she is not trying to be someone else.

When you take one half of a relationship and remove the burden of trying to be someone you aren't, you make that half of the relationship so much easier. After all, how can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?

OK, that is a good enough ramble for tonight. If you have questions or suggestions, drop me an e-mail. If you have a comment, leave it here, that is what that little comment link below is for :)

The stupid little things

I just wanted to take a minute while she is out of town and talk about this. I know, some of you are thinking that I am going to just slam the heck out of her on this post, but that isn't so.

I want to talk about the arguments that are had.

You know what I mean, I believe I referred to it in an earlier post as being times when I would rather live in a house full of "Overly masculine, male hating, PMS'ing at the same time lesbians" (Still love all my lesbinese girls :)).

The thing is, she and I are both equally responsible for those arguments. I can't just say it was the hormones, even if they do play a part in the mood swings. When you have an argument over something like who left the hall light on, or why wasn't the trash taken out, and such, then you know that you need to step back a few paces and take a look at things.

The two of you entered this transition together, and it is only together that you will make it through without killing each other (emotionally speaking that is). There are going to be times where you feel that she is taking things way too seriously, or personally, or nit picking, but there are times when she feels that you are being neglectful or not sympathizing with what her body is going through.

I think that my change in work schedule is probably one of the best things that could have happened to us, because it gives us less time to get in each other's faces, and more opportunity to appreciate the times we do get to spend together. If you find that the two of you are fighting more often than not, maybe you just need to take a little time for yourselves... separately, but together. What I mean, is that you take time for yourself, doing something you enjoy, while she does the same. I am not talking about splitting up, just a little time for yourselves to get yourselves balanced and back on track.

We spend so much time worrying about things like work and bills and such, that we are that much more apt to snap at our loved ones when they are not exactly what we expect. By that I mean that she didn't take out the trash like you asked, you didn't wash a certain outfit like she asked, etc. It all comes together and without time to regain our emotional balance with a little me time, we can end up with stupid arguments over nothing at all. While I always feel it is better to not get that far, sometimes you have to in order to realize that you need to reset your sights.

I think that even if you take 1 day to do some 'me' time, you will find afterwards, that you r relationship is that much better for being able to relieve some of the stress that had been building.

My best you all.

Seperation Anxiety

Yep... she gets to take a vacation and here I am, still working my fingers to the bone. What the heck does this have to do with the whole picture you ask? Well, this is the first time we have been 'apart' since this transition started.

Granted, we have been together for almost 4 years, so there is already a base of trust and love in place, but if you don't have that, separations like this can be most difficult. You have to be able to trust that you other half is going to behave within the boundaries of the relationship that you have set, and they must believe the same of you. Of course, for both of you, this is not an opportunity to play away (unless that is the type of relationship you have). This is a chance for each of you to have some time to yourself to make sure that you can maintain an even keel during this transition.

While we are fortunate to have work schedules that make our time together less, but more cherished, not everyone will have that luxury. Use a vacation like this to spend time for yourself and make sure that your mind is where it needs to be, not focused on all the things that are going on.

Enjoy the time apart and use it to learn to cherish the time you have together. Remember, this is not something that just one of you is going through, you are both going through this transition.

Shirley Bassey - This is My life

Just because this song is entirely appropriate to this particular blog and the decision of a transgendered individual to begin that transition which is such a huge part of that life.

Thank you to Shirley Bassey, who has belted out those memorable James Bond theme songs we all know and love.

A quick note...

I would like to take a quick moment away from my usual topic and let you know that I also volunteer with Special Olympics Central NY and our big fund raiser is coming up. you can visit the official site at www.pedal4medals.org, and click below to donate.

Thanks ahead of time

Daddy

Tolerance through Education

Funny thing. I wasn't really planning on dropping a blog tonight. Then, i had an experience that I felt warranted this little bit of brain spew. (Bear with me, I have been up for 20hrs+ at this point so if it is a little disjointed, I apologize)

In the course of a business related phone conversation, the person on the other end of the line made a bit of a remark that caught me off guard. It pertained to the individual that we had called about rpeviously being a transgendered individual. Her comments were to the effect that they did not want to expose another client to this person as they are considered a freak.

I am not normally one to bring my personal life to work with me on the basis that you should keep the two separate. This time, however, I felt that I needed to promote tolerance through education. I explained to her that transgendered people are stuck in a position that our society has made extremely awkward and prone to criticism and even outright hatred. I also explained how we need to understand that these people are not doing this for attention or because they want to be different, they are suffering from a legitimate medical condition called Gender Dysphoria.

I'd like to think that I may have made a difference in one person's mind, and by doing so have started some little ripples that will spread and eventually make a difference in someone's life.

Got me swinging like a windchime in a hurricane

Mood Swings. Yeah, they are going to happen and sooner or later you are going to prefer living in a house full of man-hating deisel dykes on the rag at the same time. (No offense, cause my girlz know I love 'em much, but you get my point)

They are going to happen and you are going to have to find a way to deal with them without going off the deep end. Here's the thing, any good relationship is going to have some bumps in the road. That's just the way of things and either you learn to deal with it, or you end up single.

There are a lot of different ways to deal with this issue. Anyone within a quarter mile radius of our home knows that we have our knock-down, Drag-out battles of screaming and yelling, but then it's over and we make up and all is well. Personally, I think that this is the better choice. Simply put, getting things out and done with is better for you both. You don't have the build up of negative emotion that can eventually sink your relationship like a box of rocks in a pond.

The hard part is learning not to take it personally, because, in a way, it really is personal, but by the same token, your partner is likely to say things that they would not normally say, just because they are in the grip of the hormone swing.

This is a lot harder than it sounds, believe me, I know from experience that sometimes you just want to gram them and rip off their head and shove it up their arse. I am fortunate enough to have learned to just let it out verbaly, and let me tell you, we have some major screaming matches here. What makes it worthwhile, is the rest of the time. I figure that your arguing should take about 10-20% of your time. No more than that. When you figure how much time you spend sleeping, working and such, even 20% of the time that you actually spend together isn't all that much arguing. If you are constantly arguing day and night, whenever you are together, then you may want to either rethink your strategies for being with each other, or rethink if this relationship is where you belong. Some fighting is good, too much is bad. It really is that simple. I credit the priest at my cousin's wedding for that thought. He said 'Fight for a good relationship', meaning that a good argument now and then keeps the air clean. Of course, when one half of the relationship is pumping their body full of hormones that were not there in the first place, there is going to be a little bit more, but that is just part of life.

Take the time to walk around the block if you have to, but always be sure to make up after any fighting. After all, make up sex rocks!!

Have a great day.

Down with Haters

Well, this is something that I suppose has to be brought up at some point along this journey. sooner or later, you are going to run into people who, for one reason or another, decide that you fit the profile of "People to Hate on".

Personally, having been raised Roman Catholic, I have a good background in the beliefs that most people will use to condemn you. I have found that a little research and memorization will go a long ways to helping you. Of course, a lot of these people will not listen to what you have to say, they are too wrapped up in their hate to see anything else in the world. The real key is to keep walking, head high and ignore them.

I have, on several occasions, reminded these particular people that their Jesus stated that the most important commandment above and beyond all others, is to 'Love one another as I have loved you.' With the exception of the Money clangers in the temple, he never put anyone down or judged them based on their lifestyle, but how they lived their lives instead.

For those who hate, just because they can, there is no real rebuttal but to ignore them.

For the record, I DO NOT condone violence of any type, however, should your or your partner's lives, safety or well being be put into immediate jeopardy and there is no other recourse, kick them in the pants and run like hell until you can call the police. Personally, I follow the path to Buddha's enlightenment, and prefer to walk the path of nonviolence, but if someone were to physically threaten me or my family, and there was no other option, I would not hesitate to defend us.

I wish you the best during your journey and encourage you to share your thoughts and ideas.

Who's gonna make me pretty now?

Finding a plastic surgeon.

We all know that you are going to have to go through this step at some point, and with 16 years in the medical field, I figure that I may as well address it now as we have already begun the search.

First, are there others in your area who have already gone through this? If so, ask for who they would or would not recommend. If not, then it is time to start opening the phone book and looking them up. Make the calls and ask if they handle transgender breast augmentation (starting at the top). Don't be discouraged if you don't find someone right away. Talk to the doctor who is managing your hormone therapy as well, they may know of someone in your area or close to it that does this kind of surgery.

Second, once you find a doctor or two who do the surgery, make an appointment to see them. Let them know ahead of time that you want to discuss not only your care, but their experience and qualifications and ask to see before and after shots of previous patients. Some offices may have patients who are willing to be references, but in the age of HIPAA (that pesky federal law that prevents disclosure of information) they may not. Either way, make sure that you are comfortable with their work before you go any further. Also be open and frank with them about your lifestyle and any other questions they may ask. Lieing will only hurt you, not them.

Once you have found a doctor that you are comfortable with, you are well on your way to becoming your true self.

Let's talk about sex

OK, some people think this is a taboo subject. I don't.

The thing to remember, is that sex is an important part to any long term relationship. It is not the most important part, but it is important nonetheless. It is especially important when your partner is transitioning. Your partner needs to know that you still find him/her attractive in a sexual fashion, and you need to be able to know that you are coming to terms or have come to terms with the transition on a physical level.

Unfortunately, if you have made it through the rest of the transition, this is the spot most likely to be the breaking point.

The thing is, if you can truly love your partner, you can still find a way to have a physical relationship. You may even find that certain attributes of the transition work to heighten the sexual experience. The main thing to remember, is that if you want it to work, you will find the ways to make it work. The only thing standing between you and making it work, is you.

I know that I have said this many times before, but you need to be able to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner. If you truly love them, you will find the strength to get through this together. If you don't have those strong emotional attachments, you likely won't make it, and you and your partner need to know this up front in order to avoid even worse heartbreak later on down the line.

Am I pretty yet?

Be prepared to hear this. A lot. I mean a lot lot. I know I have. Mind you, I am not complaining about it, but by the same token, we need to understand that our partner is going through a transformation. They are going from one gender to the other, and after spending the first part of their life as the incorrect gender, there are going to be some self image issues.

The other thing to take into account is your partner's background and history. Growing up as a gender dysphoric individual will expose your partner to other stresses that will have an effect on their self image. While you may fell that the constant asking if they are looking good is overbearing or overwhelming even, our job is to stand by them and give the needed encouragement to get through this transformation.

Between the self image concerns and the hormone therapy induced mood swings, we have a lot of stuff to hold up under during this transformation. This is where we need to look to our own emotional well being and learn that it is not our fault. (Really, it is not anyone's fault, merely a byproduct of the process.) We can not take any of this personally. We have to learn to let it roll off like water off a duck's back. The more we practice this, the easier it gets. Don't get me wrong, I am not telling you to not care, but to care enough to realize that every little blow up or re-asking of the question of looks is not a casting of doubt on our emotions, feelings or integrity, it is part of the process of the body adjusting to hormones and changes that it is not used to.

While it may seem difficult, if you truly love your partner, you will find the strength to do it.

We found that our work schedules ensure that we do not spend a lot of time alone together, which I honestly believe has been a life saver to our relationship during this time of change. It gives us each time to ourselves, which allows for decompression. While I am not saying that it is the best situation for everyone, but it works for us. What you need to focus on, is keeping communication open between both of you and making sure that you are talking about what is going on through every step of the process.

The Pronoun Game

One of the biggest hurdles I face with a transitioning partner, is the change in pronouns. I have to watch myself, as I have spent almost 4 ears now calling my partner by the masculine pronouns, and suddenly, here I am expected to just up and use the feminine versions.

Now, this is not an easy thing to do, and on top of it all, when your partner is in the throes of hormone therapy induced mood swings, it just complicates matters further. This would lead me to understand why it seems that so many people who transition, do so while not maintaining a relationship. As silly as it seems, the pronoun change is actually something that is a very serious part of the transition. As the person transitions from one gender to another in a physical and visible sense, the transition of the pronouns and descriptive adjectives need to keep up with that change.

The key to remember, is that it is not a change that will happen all at once, especially in our case, where we were together for over 3 and a half years before this transition started. Not only do I have to make this adjustment, but my family and my son do as well. We are all working on it, but, like I said, it is all about the understanding of the person who is transitioning that it will take time to adjust. Before you go off on me though, I want to mention, that it is not all on the person who is transitioning either, those around must make a concerted effort to make the adjustment to the new pronouns and adjectives as well.

If everyone works together and tries to keep in mind that there is going to be some adjustment time for all parties, it will make this part of the transition that much easier.

Transamerica what?

OK. After a lot of thought, i think that I am going to be using this as a way to chronicle my experience as a gay male whose partner is undergoing sexual reassignment.

The main reason behind this is that I spent a lot of years denying who I am because I felt some ridiculous need to fit in to what society says is. I finally reached a point in my life about 4 years ago where I was comfortable enough with who I am to just be me. I met a wonderful man and we have been together ever since. I thank my family for being supportive of me in this and for being supportive of everything since then.

People who know me know that I joke that sometimes I would rather be living in a house full of man-hating diesel dykes all on their monthly cycle at the same time than living with my other half, but no matter what, I love my partner and will stick around till the end.

My partner, who will hereafter be referred to as Nay (for my own reasons and because it gives nothing away) has always been a female illusionist. I have known this since before we got together and have never had a problem with it. Actually, we joke about how I should get an award for Drag Husband of the Year. Need a prop for a number, I can build it. Bra strap broke, I can fix it. There really isn't much in the way of problems like that that I haven't handled quickly and efficiently.

In August of 2006, Nay came to me and told me we needed to talk about something. I wasn't sure what was going on. We have our ups and downs like any couple and were going through a rough patch at that time. What I was told is that Nay wanted to go back on Hormone therapy and resume the path to becoming a woman that he was on before we met. I was a little shocked by this, and honestly at first, didn't know how to accept it, but I love him and told him that. You will notice as I go, that my pronouns have a tendency to get confused, but that is unintentional and I will do my best to keep them correct. I use the male pronouns for this part of the story, and will switch later on.

After much thought and discussion, I told Nay that I would be there and supportive throughout this transformation. We did some research and found a local doctor who was willing to take on Nay as a patient and as a pre-operative transsexual as well. Nay started hormone therapy in August and I have to tell you, it was not an easy road. The mood swings were rough, but on top of that, I had to learn how to wrap my brain around the fact that the person I love is becoming physically female, and being attracted to males, this is not an easy task, and may never be. Fortunately, my mother taught me a long time ago that if you truly love someone you can look past the little things to see the bigger love that encompasses it all.

We are at a point now where the outward changes are really kicking in and for the most part, she is living as a female on a daily basis.

I intend to keep this blog as a way of tracking things over time, and perhaps it will help others who are in my position to learn how to live with a partner who suffers from Gender Dysphoria and learn to accept them for who they are, and find that love that will allow you to see past the physical and accept your partner for who they are.

~D