Be prepared to hear this. A lot. I mean a lot lot. I know I have. Mind you, I am not complaining about it, but by the same token, we need to understand that our partner is going through a transformation. They are going from one gender to the other, and after spending the first part of their life as the incorrect gender, there are going to be some self image issues.
The other thing to take into account is your partner's background and history. Growing up as a gender dysphoric individual will expose your partner to other stresses that will have an effect on their self image. While you may fell that the constant asking if they are looking good is overbearing or overwhelming even, our job is to stand by them and give the needed encouragement to get through this transformation.
Between the self image concerns and the hormone therapy induced mood swings, we have a lot of stuff to hold up under during this transformation. This is where we need to look to our own emotional well being and learn that it is not our fault. (Really, it is not anyone's fault, merely a byproduct of the process.) We can not take any of this personally. We have to learn to let it roll off like water off a duck's back. The more we practice this, the easier it gets. Don't get me wrong, I am not telling you to not care, but to care enough to realize that every little blow up or re-asking of the question of looks is not a casting of doubt on our emotions, feelings or integrity, it is part of the process of the body adjusting to hormones and changes that it is not used to.
While it may seem difficult, if you truly love your partner, you will find the strength to do it.
We found that our work schedules ensure that we do not spend a lot of time alone together, which I honestly believe has been a life saver to our relationship during this time of change. It gives us each time to ourselves, which allows for decompression. While I am not saying that it is the best situation for everyone, but it works for us. What you need to focus on, is keeping communication open between both of you and making sure that you are talking about what is going on through every step of the process.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
The Pronoun Game
One of the biggest hurdles I face with a transitioning partner, is the change in pronouns. I have to watch myself, as I have spent almost 4 ears now calling my partner by the masculine pronouns, and suddenly, here I am expected to just up and use the feminine versions.
Now, this is not an easy thing to do, and on top of it all, when your partner is in the throes of hormone therapy induced mood swings, it just complicates matters further. This would lead me to understand why it seems that so many people who transition, do so while not maintaining a relationship. As silly as it seems, the pronoun change is actually something that is a very serious part of the transition. As the person transitions from one gender to another in a physical and visible sense, the transition of the pronouns and descriptive adjectives need to keep up with that change.
The key to remember, is that it is not a change that will happen all at once, especially in our case, where we were together for over 3 and a half years before this transition started. Not only do I have to make this adjustment, but my family and my son do as well. We are all working on it, but, like I said, it is all about the understanding of the person who is transitioning that it will take time to adjust. Before you go off on me though, I want to mention, that it is not all on the person who is transitioning either, those around must make a concerted effort to make the adjustment to the new pronouns and adjectives as well.
If everyone works together and tries to keep in mind that there is going to be some adjustment time for all parties, it will make this part of the transition that much easier.
Now, this is not an easy thing to do, and on top of it all, when your partner is in the throes of hormone therapy induced mood swings, it just complicates matters further. This would lead me to understand why it seems that so many people who transition, do so while not maintaining a relationship. As silly as it seems, the pronoun change is actually something that is a very serious part of the transition. As the person transitions from one gender to another in a physical and visible sense, the transition of the pronouns and descriptive adjectives need to keep up with that change.
The key to remember, is that it is not a change that will happen all at once, especially in our case, where we were together for over 3 and a half years before this transition started. Not only do I have to make this adjustment, but my family and my son do as well. We are all working on it, but, like I said, it is all about the understanding of the person who is transitioning that it will take time to adjust. Before you go off on me though, I want to mention, that it is not all on the person who is transitioning either, those around must make a concerted effort to make the adjustment to the new pronouns and adjectives as well.
If everyone works together and tries to keep in mind that there is going to be some adjustment time for all parties, it will make this part of the transition that much easier.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Transamerica what?
OK. After a lot of thought, i think that I am going to be using this as a way to chronicle my experience as a gay male whose partner is undergoing sexual reassignment.
The main reason behind this is that I spent a lot of years denying who I am because I felt some ridiculous need to fit in to what society says is. I finally reached a point in my life about 4 years ago where I was comfortable enough with who I am to just be me. I met a wonderful man and we have been together ever since. I thank my family for being supportive of me in this and for being supportive of everything since then.
People who know me know that I joke that sometimes I would rather be living in a house full of man-hating diesel dykes all on their monthly cycle at the same time than living with my other half, but no matter what, I love my partner and will stick around till the end.
My partner, who will hereafter be referred to as Nay (for my own reasons and because it gives nothing away) has always been a female illusionist. I have known this since before we got together and have never had a problem with it. Actually, we joke about how I should get an award for Drag Husband of the Year. Need a prop for a number, I can build it. Bra strap broke, I can fix it. There really isn't much in the way of problems like that that I haven't handled quickly and efficiently.
In August of 2006, Nay came to me and told me we needed to talk about something. I wasn't sure what was going on. We have our ups and downs like any couple and were going through a rough patch at that time. What I was told is that Nay wanted to go back on Hormone therapy and resume the path to becoming a woman that he was on before we met. I was a little shocked by this, and honestly at first, didn't know how to accept it, but I love him and told him that. You will notice as I go, that my pronouns have a tendency to get confused, but that is unintentional and I will do my best to keep them correct. I use the male pronouns for this part of the story, and will switch later on.
After much thought and discussion, I told Nay that I would be there and supportive throughout this transformation. We did some research and found a local doctor who was willing to take on Nay as a patient and as a pre-operative transsexual as well. Nay started hormone therapy in August and I have to tell you, it was not an easy road. The mood swings were rough, but on top of that, I had to learn how to wrap my brain around the fact that the person I love is becoming physically female, and being attracted to males, this is not an easy task, and may never be. Fortunately, my mother taught me a long time ago that if you truly love someone you can look past the little things to see the bigger love that encompasses it all.
We are at a point now where the outward changes are really kicking in and for the most part, she is living as a female on a daily basis.
I intend to keep this blog as a way of tracking things over time, and perhaps it will help others who are in my position to learn how to live with a partner who suffers from Gender Dysphoria and learn to accept them for who they are, and find that love that will allow you to see past the physical and accept your partner for who they are.
~D
The main reason behind this is that I spent a lot of years denying who I am because I felt some ridiculous need to fit in to what society says is. I finally reached a point in my life about 4 years ago where I was comfortable enough with who I am to just be me. I met a wonderful man and we have been together ever since. I thank my family for being supportive of me in this and for being supportive of everything since then.
People who know me know that I joke that sometimes I would rather be living in a house full of man-hating diesel dykes all on their monthly cycle at the same time than living with my other half, but no matter what, I love my partner and will stick around till the end.
My partner, who will hereafter be referred to as Nay (for my own reasons and because it gives nothing away) has always been a female illusionist. I have known this since before we got together and have never had a problem with it. Actually, we joke about how I should get an award for Drag Husband of the Year. Need a prop for a number, I can build it. Bra strap broke, I can fix it. There really isn't much in the way of problems like that that I haven't handled quickly and efficiently.
In August of 2006, Nay came to me and told me we needed to talk about something. I wasn't sure what was going on. We have our ups and downs like any couple and were going through a rough patch at that time. What I was told is that Nay wanted to go back on Hormone therapy and resume the path to becoming a woman that he was on before we met. I was a little shocked by this, and honestly at first, didn't know how to accept it, but I love him and told him that. You will notice as I go, that my pronouns have a tendency to get confused, but that is unintentional and I will do my best to keep them correct. I use the male pronouns for this part of the story, and will switch later on.
After much thought and discussion, I told Nay that I would be there and supportive throughout this transformation. We did some research and found a local doctor who was willing to take on Nay as a patient and as a pre-operative transsexual as well. Nay started hormone therapy in August and I have to tell you, it was not an easy road. The mood swings were rough, but on top of that, I had to learn how to wrap my brain around the fact that the person I love is becoming physically female, and being attracted to males, this is not an easy task, and may never be. Fortunately, my mother taught me a long time ago that if you truly love someone you can look past the little things to see the bigger love that encompasses it all.
We are at a point now where the outward changes are really kicking in and for the most part, she is living as a female on a daily basis.
I intend to keep this blog as a way of tracking things over time, and perhaps it will help others who are in my position to learn how to live with a partner who suffers from Gender Dysphoria and learn to accept them for who they are, and find that love that will allow you to see past the physical and accept your partner for who they are.
~D
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