Wrap your mind around it

Because, in all honesty, there are days when I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole concept. The person I fell in love with 4 years ago is not the person I live with today. Physically anyway. In all the ways that count, she still is, and that seems to be enough for me.

I have to admit, I have yet to really broach this subject, simply because I wasn't sure that I had my brain wrapped far enough around it to really make a stab at it here. now I realize, that perhaps this is the best place to being it out, after all, this my be just what I need to really get the old brain pan fired up and running on all cylinders.

As we approach our 4th anniversary, I take a look back on the last four years of my life and have done a boat load of thinking on it. It took me a long time to get to a point where I was comfortable enough in my sexuality to approach my family and let them know. Now I am sitting here asking a question and being asked a question... "Am I still gay?"

In order to answer this, I have to be totally honest, and admit that I have always been attracted to people, not by their gender, but by a combination of tangible and non tangible traits. Yeah, you have to look good to get my attention, but when it comes down to it, if there isn't a personality to back up the looks, what's the pojt?

The way I see it, you con only spend so much time doing the dirty, the rest of the time you have to have something in common and be able to carry on an intelligent conversation, or else you have nothing but a long term one night stand. That might be nice when you are young, but not for the long term.

I love my wonderful better half for who she is, not what is or isn't between her legs, and if anything, this transition has brought that wonderful person more to the fore of the relationship. There is a lot of truth to the psychologist's saying that you can not love or be loved truly until you can truly love yourself. If you are not happy being in the incorrect gender, then how can you really find that one person you are meant to be with? Some people get lucky, like we did, but so many people go through this long winding road alone because they are not able to form that deep and significant bond that is needed to have this type of relationship. They are too busy being unhappy with themselves to be able to find that. Now, I realize that I just made a huge generalization and there are going to be some people that are going to ge their panties (or boxer briefs) in a snit, but before you bombard me with e-mail, think about it for a minute and it just might make a little bit of sense.

How do I approach this from a physical perspective? Well, I was a little hesitant at first, and there are still days where I put my whole foot in my mouth (and when you are not a professional contortionist, that is rather difficult and can be a bit painful as well) and will likely make more mistakes as we go on, but I do the best I can and take it all day by day. The sex is amazing now, much better than it was before the transition started, so I know that there is not a problem there. I guess the part that really makes me think, is all the changes taken as a group. The name change is starting to come into effect now as well, and when you have called someone by the same name for 4 years, that is not an easy one to make.

Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't understand my point of view on things, but I know that she does read my blog, and I know that she is always willing to talk about things (even if it takes an all out verbal barrage between us to get it out in the open where we can settle down and talk about it) and with that, we can make it through anything.

I think that, for me, the real hard part is not knowing where I really belong any more. Before, I never really had to worry about it, but now, after being part of a community of wonderful people, I have already started to see a change in attitudes, and even though I know that these people are not truly friends, or that they may come around in the long run, it still hurts a little bit each time to loose a part of that lifestyle.

For Pete's sake, I work as a hairstylist, how am I supposed to be straight? (Note: that was a joke, you may laugh now ;)) Unfortunately, taking the good with the bad is a part of life, no matter what you do. I just feel that people need to learn to accept one another all the way around, it isn't just about gay and straight any more, it is about everyone.

OK, I think I am getting some carpal tunnel starting here after all this typing, so I am going to bid you all a good evening and wish you the best on your journey. hopefully, my laptop will be arriving shortly and I can work from places I haven't been able to work from before, giving me the opportunity to update a little more often.

Thanks for listening.