Spreading the word

Well, as you will know if you have read from the beginning, I started this blog to chronicle my journey along the road of my partner's transition. I just want to reiterate my reasons and a couple other little things along the way.

Originally, I was rather surprised to find that there really isn't much in the way of support for partners of transgendered individuals where you can find info and such while going through it. After exhausting Google, I decided that it was time for me to respond to this lack by starting this blog. While I can not really offer medical advice, I can be someone to share with, someone to reassure you or even someone to offer a different point of view. I relay my experience through anecdotes, observations and random thoughts that pass through my brain.

While attempting to pimp out my blog, I was asked by the owners of TG Forum (www.tgforum.com) to write up an article about living through the transition of my loved one. Of course, on the upside, was th fact that I was told I could put a link to my blog in the article. Nothing like free advertising. *GRIN* Anyways, like I said, while I can not offer medical advice per se, I am a good person to bounce questions off of as I have spent the last 16 years working in the health field (resume include 16 years as an Emergency Medical Technician, 13 years of Phlebotomy (drawing blood), 3 years of self education and working with various programs for HIV/AIDS prevention, 3 years as a cardiac technician, and working in a number of doctor's offices over the years) I have a good grasp of western medicine and a fair understanding of eastern or alternative medicine as well. If you have something you want to ask, drop me an e-mail. If it is something that I feel everyone can benefit from , I will use it in a post, along with sending you a personal reply, just don't get upset if it takes me a couple days, I have a crazy schedule.

While I am not a doctor, nor do I profess to be anything more than I am, my background in the health field does come in handy when we are working on things like hormone therapy, drug interactions, talking doctor speak and so on. I find that if a doctor finds that they can talk to you in medical terms and you understand, they are more likely to give you more information, and to listen when you suggest something.

Now I know that not everyone out there who is transgendered (I don't care if it is MTF or FTM) can find someone with my background who will be there for every step of the process, and statistically speaking, it seems that many people choose to transition without the additional burden of a relationship. Yes, I called it a burden. Simply put, it is one more thing that you have to worry about and work at while you are transitioning, and I believe I know why they do it single. Who would want to have more on their plate? My partner and I were already together for over 3 years when she came to me and told me what she needed in life, and at that point, as much as I was scared and not too sure how to answer that, i told her that I would be there, and that if it got to be too much to wrap my head around, I would be willing to find someone to talk to (before I knew how little resources there are for people like me). Not only is our relationship doing well (most days, see reference to mood swings) it is actually better than before in some ways, because she is not trying to be someone else.

When you take one half of a relationship and remove the burden of trying to be someone you aren't, you make that half of the relationship so much easier. After all, how can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?

OK, that is a good enough ramble for tonight. If you have questions or suggestions, drop me an e-mail. If you have a comment, leave it here, that is what that little comment link below is for :)

The stupid little things

I just wanted to take a minute while she is out of town and talk about this. I know, some of you are thinking that I am going to just slam the heck out of her on this post, but that isn't so.

I want to talk about the arguments that are had.

You know what I mean, I believe I referred to it in an earlier post as being times when I would rather live in a house full of "Overly masculine, male hating, PMS'ing at the same time lesbians" (Still love all my lesbinese girls :)).

The thing is, she and I are both equally responsible for those arguments. I can't just say it was the hormones, even if they do play a part in the mood swings. When you have an argument over something like who left the hall light on, or why wasn't the trash taken out, and such, then you know that you need to step back a few paces and take a look at things.

The two of you entered this transition together, and it is only together that you will make it through without killing each other (emotionally speaking that is). There are going to be times where you feel that she is taking things way too seriously, or personally, or nit picking, but there are times when she feels that you are being neglectful or not sympathizing with what her body is going through.

I think that my change in work schedule is probably one of the best things that could have happened to us, because it gives us less time to get in each other's faces, and more opportunity to appreciate the times we do get to spend together. If you find that the two of you are fighting more often than not, maybe you just need to take a little time for yourselves... separately, but together. What I mean, is that you take time for yourself, doing something you enjoy, while she does the same. I am not talking about splitting up, just a little time for yourselves to get yourselves balanced and back on track.

We spend so much time worrying about things like work and bills and such, that we are that much more apt to snap at our loved ones when they are not exactly what we expect. By that I mean that she didn't take out the trash like you asked, you didn't wash a certain outfit like she asked, etc. It all comes together and without time to regain our emotional balance with a little me time, we can end up with stupid arguments over nothing at all. While I always feel it is better to not get that far, sometimes you have to in order to realize that you need to reset your sights.

I think that even if you take 1 day to do some 'me' time, you will find afterwards, that you r relationship is that much better for being able to relieve some of the stress that had been building.

My best you all.

Seperation Anxiety

Yep... she gets to take a vacation and here I am, still working my fingers to the bone. What the heck does this have to do with the whole picture you ask? Well, this is the first time we have been 'apart' since this transition started.

Granted, we have been together for almost 4 years, so there is already a base of trust and love in place, but if you don't have that, separations like this can be most difficult. You have to be able to trust that you other half is going to behave within the boundaries of the relationship that you have set, and they must believe the same of you. Of course, for both of you, this is not an opportunity to play away (unless that is the type of relationship you have). This is a chance for each of you to have some time to yourself to make sure that you can maintain an even keel during this transition.

While we are fortunate to have work schedules that make our time together less, but more cherished, not everyone will have that luxury. Use a vacation like this to spend time for yourself and make sure that your mind is where it needs to be, not focused on all the things that are going on.

Enjoy the time apart and use it to learn to cherish the time you have together. Remember, this is not something that just one of you is going through, you are both going through this transition.

Shirley Bassey - This is My life

Just because this song is entirely appropriate to this particular blog and the decision of a transgendered individual to begin that transition which is such a huge part of that life.

Thank you to Shirley Bassey, who has belted out those memorable James Bond theme songs we all know and love.

A quick note...

I would like to take a quick moment away from my usual topic and let you know that I also volunteer with Special Olympics Central NY and our big fund raiser is coming up. you can visit the official site at www.pedal4medals.org, and click below to donate.

Thanks ahead of time

Daddy

Tolerance through Education

Funny thing. I wasn't really planning on dropping a blog tonight. Then, i had an experience that I felt warranted this little bit of brain spew. (Bear with me, I have been up for 20hrs+ at this point so if it is a little disjointed, I apologize)

In the course of a business related phone conversation, the person on the other end of the line made a bit of a remark that caught me off guard. It pertained to the individual that we had called about rpeviously being a transgendered individual. Her comments were to the effect that they did not want to expose another client to this person as they are considered a freak.

I am not normally one to bring my personal life to work with me on the basis that you should keep the two separate. This time, however, I felt that I needed to promote tolerance through education. I explained to her that transgendered people are stuck in a position that our society has made extremely awkward and prone to criticism and even outright hatred. I also explained how we need to understand that these people are not doing this for attention or because they want to be different, they are suffering from a legitimate medical condition called Gender Dysphoria.

I'd like to think that I may have made a difference in one person's mind, and by doing so have started some little ripples that will spread and eventually make a difference in someone's life.

Got me swinging like a windchime in a hurricane

Mood Swings. Yeah, they are going to happen and sooner or later you are going to prefer living in a house full of man-hating deisel dykes on the rag at the same time. (No offense, cause my girlz know I love 'em much, but you get my point)

They are going to happen and you are going to have to find a way to deal with them without going off the deep end. Here's the thing, any good relationship is going to have some bumps in the road. That's just the way of things and either you learn to deal with it, or you end up single.

There are a lot of different ways to deal with this issue. Anyone within a quarter mile radius of our home knows that we have our knock-down, Drag-out battles of screaming and yelling, but then it's over and we make up and all is well. Personally, I think that this is the better choice. Simply put, getting things out and done with is better for you both. You don't have the build up of negative emotion that can eventually sink your relationship like a box of rocks in a pond.

The hard part is learning not to take it personally, because, in a way, it really is personal, but by the same token, your partner is likely to say things that they would not normally say, just because they are in the grip of the hormone swing.

This is a lot harder than it sounds, believe me, I know from experience that sometimes you just want to gram them and rip off their head and shove it up their arse. I am fortunate enough to have learned to just let it out verbaly, and let me tell you, we have some major screaming matches here. What makes it worthwhile, is the rest of the time. I figure that your arguing should take about 10-20% of your time. No more than that. When you figure how much time you spend sleeping, working and such, even 20% of the time that you actually spend together isn't all that much arguing. If you are constantly arguing day and night, whenever you are together, then you may want to either rethink your strategies for being with each other, or rethink if this relationship is where you belong. Some fighting is good, too much is bad. It really is that simple. I credit the priest at my cousin's wedding for that thought. He said 'Fight for a good relationship', meaning that a good argument now and then keeps the air clean. Of course, when one half of the relationship is pumping their body full of hormones that were not there in the first place, there is going to be a little bit more, but that is just part of life.

Take the time to walk around the block if you have to, but always be sure to make up after any fighting. After all, make up sex rocks!!

Have a great day.