Music. There are a lot of sayings about music soothing the savage beast and all that, but behind each saying, there is a little nugget of truth.
I realized today, that music is meant to move us. Well, most music is, some is just nothing more than a bunch of tones strung together and made popular by mass media. Every once in a while though, we come across a song that strikes us to the core and allows us to reaffirm those things in life that we have had doubts about or that we are growing less sure of.
As I said a couple posts back, things have been a little out of whack lately, and I know that it has affected me too because I have been letting things get to me more than I usually do when she gets in one of her moods. The other day, as I was driving into the salon to go to work, I was listening to my MP3 player and came across a song that I had not heard in a while. As the song played, I listened to the lyrics and realized that there was something to be learned from them. At least to me. I am not saying that there is a song out there that will talk to everyone the same way. While mine is a club mix, yours may be a ballad, pop, country, or even something classical. The trick is to let the music speak to you and listen to what it tells you.
Trying to impose your own meaning over the music will not get you anywhere, you have to listen to what the music is telling you to really get the concept.
What most people don’t realize is that music actually is a living thing, or rather, it takes on a life of its own after it is released. A song that I may feel is about loosing something may seem to you to be about finding something. It as all in the interpretation. Since we all have our own individual viewpoint, we each tend to see things a little bit differently.
I guess what I am trying to tell you is that when all else fails, listen to your music collection and see what pops out at you. Whether it is in the car while you are driving, or while you are home working around the house, going to bed, or even at work if you are lucky enough to be able to listen to your music there. You will eventually find that one song that can get you back on track and where you need to be. I call this my anthem. We all have an anthem. The Anthem of Ourselves. Doesn’t matter what kind of music it is, but it will get you up when you’re down, and back on track when you are derailed.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Another Month Down
And the rest of our lives to go. Patience is a virtue, and lately, it seems to be in short supply. I know that some of you out there are wondering where I am going to take this one, so sit back and relax and let me show you.
Recently, through a bad turn of events and a few people who I barely qualify as human, my better half found herself in a bit of a predicament. Now, I have to say, I haven't known a lot of people over the years that bounce as well as she does (take that however you like ;)), she just randomly goes places and runs into former customers that still want her to groom their dogs for them. I mean, she goes to file for medical assistance, and runs into one of her former customers that works there. I still can't figure it out. She must have done some seriously good shit in a previous life.
Anyways, onto the patience part.
Now, while she is waiting for a determination on her assistance, she has been looking at other options for financing her surgery, and it seems as though she just can't wait to hear back from them. She is champing at the bit and begging to go way out on a limb to get this done. Believe me, I know that this is something that will make her feel complete and whole for the first time in her life and I know that this is something that will make our lives that much easier, but by the same token, if the system that you have spent the last how many years paying into is able to help you out, then why not be patient and wait a little bit and let them do it, or at least wait until they turn you down before you go out there doing things that will overextend you.
Mind you, I have to admit, there are some serious boobies there now that were definitely not there before, but I also know that she needs the surgical help to get them where she needs them to be also know that big boobs don't help much if you're living in a cardboard box. I guess I Am just afraid of being overextended and loosing what we have.
I want to close this out with a paragraph from one of my favorite authors, Laurell K. Hamilton. This is from her novel Incubus Dreams. "There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. I(t doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."
This book is from the Anita Blake series, if you are a fan of Vampire and werewolf fiction set in current times (also called Alternate history writing), this is definitely worth the read.
Have a safe journey.
Recently, through a bad turn of events and a few people who I barely qualify as human, my better half found herself in a bit of a predicament. Now, I have to say, I haven't known a lot of people over the years that bounce as well as she does (take that however you like ;)), she just randomly goes places and runs into former customers that still want her to groom their dogs for them. I mean, she goes to file for medical assistance, and runs into one of her former customers that works there. I still can't figure it out. She must have done some seriously good shit in a previous life.
Anyways, onto the patience part.
Now, while she is waiting for a determination on her assistance, she has been looking at other options for financing her surgery, and it seems as though she just can't wait to hear back from them. She is champing at the bit and begging to go way out on a limb to get this done. Believe me, I know that this is something that will make her feel complete and whole for the first time in her life and I know that this is something that will make our lives that much easier, but by the same token, if the system that you have spent the last how many years paying into is able to help you out, then why not be patient and wait a little bit and let them do it, or at least wait until they turn you down before you go out there doing things that will overextend you.
Mind you, I have to admit, there are some serious boobies there now that were definitely not there before, but I also know that she needs the surgical help to get them where she needs them to be also know that big boobs don't help much if you're living in a cardboard box. I guess I Am just afraid of being overextended and loosing what we have.
I want to close this out with a paragraph from one of my favorite authors, Laurell K. Hamilton. This is from her novel Incubus Dreams. "There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. I(t doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."
This book is from the Anita Blake series, if you are a fan of Vampire and werewolf fiction set in current times (also called Alternate history writing), this is definitely worth the read.
Have a safe journey.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Just Because
Free time? What's that??? Anyway, as I am sure you can tell, things are still kinda crazy with my schedule. Some things happen for a reason. The thing is to be able to see beyond what all is going on right then to see the bigger picture and begin to understand the reason behind it.
We have found ourselves in a bit of a tight spot, and now we have to figure out why. I know that we will get through it. That is the strength of our relationship.
The biggest problem with a stress inducing life change can have is that it is prone to causing depression. Like the commercial says, "Depression hurts everyone."
I'm sitting here trying to think what else to type, and nothing is coming to mind. I think I may be a bit fried from my schedule... either that or I just haven't found the answer we need yet.
We have found ourselves in a bit of a tight spot, and now we have to figure out why. I know that we will get through it. That is the strength of our relationship.
The biggest problem with a stress inducing life change can have is that it is prone to causing depression. Like the commercial says, "Depression hurts everyone."
I'm sitting here trying to think what else to type, and nothing is coming to mind. I think I may be a bit fried from my schedule... either that or I just haven't found the answer we need yet.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Why love is
The real key to making any relationship work, is finding a balance between the two of you. It comes down to knowing when to stand up for what you want, and when to back down and compromise. Someone once told me that love is nothing more than how much of your significant other’s bullshit you can put up with. I think that, while this may play a part in it, it is not the sum whole of love. As said in previous posts and will say again here, Love Is.
All too often, people try to quantify love, to put it in a nice neat package. The problem is, love doesn’t fit in a nice neat package. Love is messy, icky, scattered, disorganized and constantly changing. This is the pure beauty of love and why it is so hard for people to really find love these days. Some web sites will have you believe that they can find you love based on a bunch of neat little questions. I took one of those matching quizzes one night just out of curiosity (and sheer boredom) and honestly feel that, while matching you up with someone who will be able to cohabitate with you, I don’t think that they really get into the messy sticky parts that make a relationship into love. Sure, you can put up with the fact that I like to keep my office clean but cluttered, but are you into kinky sex? Am I for that matter? The thing is, no matter what some head shrinker tells you, you need to find that love for yourself and find that person who’s likes and dislikes can fit into yours.
Love is like a puzzle. Of course, in this puzzle, there are only 2 pieces, and there is the option to reshape the pieces a little. Five a little here, take a little there and suddenly you have a great fit for the next little bit of time until the shape of the puzzle changes.
A true relationship does that, it changes and adapts over time. You get two people who enjoy running together every day. Life is great and their puzzle works well and fits nicely. Suddenly, one day one of them is hit by a drunk driver on the way home form work and can never walk again. The puzzle just changed. They can no longer share that run each day. The ting is, this does not need to mean an end o the relationship, just a change in it. The key to big challenges like this is not to focus on what has been lost, but to focus on what you still have. You still have someone who loves you and cares about you, but if you let the fact that you can’t walk or run anymore weigh so heavily on you that you turn away from life, you will loose that. To use the key, you focus on what you have. Sure you can’t run, but let’s say you are in a wheelchair and have full use of the upper body, then with some work, you can get back out there again and wheel along right beside your other half.
Too many times, we see people who loose something and cannot see past that. They need to learn to see the positives in life, and not just the negatives.
We had a relationship based on a gender-oriented attraction. Now, the gender of one half is up in the air as it transitions form one to the other, and part of that puzzle has changed. Instead of getting upset and focusing on the fact that I am not being with someone of a specific gender, I chose to focus on the positive. We have a life we have built together over the past four years and our family and the home we have built together.
Instead of deciding to cut and run because of the loss of one part of the relationship, we chose to focus on the positives of what we have together and keep going at this relationship. What it comes down to is that love can overcome anything if you give it a chance. The old fable of Beauty and the Beast is more than just a romantic fairy tale, it is a historical reference to an idea that truly is as old as time.
While we may wish some days that love would be this awesome wonderful thing that you can’t get enough of, in reality, it is the hugging and kissing, the shared moments, the arguments, the all out fights, the bull shit, horse shit and any other shit you can think of and even all the little cutise things like watching them sleep and waking up in the middle of the night and feeling better because you can hear them breathing next to you.
This is why Love is.
All too often, people try to quantify love, to put it in a nice neat package. The problem is, love doesn’t fit in a nice neat package. Love is messy, icky, scattered, disorganized and constantly changing. This is the pure beauty of love and why it is so hard for people to really find love these days. Some web sites will have you believe that they can find you love based on a bunch of neat little questions. I took one of those matching quizzes one night just out of curiosity (and sheer boredom) and honestly feel that, while matching you up with someone who will be able to cohabitate with you, I don’t think that they really get into the messy sticky parts that make a relationship into love. Sure, you can put up with the fact that I like to keep my office clean but cluttered, but are you into kinky sex? Am I for that matter? The thing is, no matter what some head shrinker tells you, you need to find that love for yourself and find that person who’s likes and dislikes can fit into yours.
Love is like a puzzle. Of course, in this puzzle, there are only 2 pieces, and there is the option to reshape the pieces a little. Five a little here, take a little there and suddenly you have a great fit for the next little bit of time until the shape of the puzzle changes.
A true relationship does that, it changes and adapts over time. You get two people who enjoy running together every day. Life is great and their puzzle works well and fits nicely. Suddenly, one day one of them is hit by a drunk driver on the way home form work and can never walk again. The puzzle just changed. They can no longer share that run each day. The ting is, this does not need to mean an end o the relationship, just a change in it. The key to big challenges like this is not to focus on what has been lost, but to focus on what you still have. You still have someone who loves you and cares about you, but if you let the fact that you can’t walk or run anymore weigh so heavily on you that you turn away from life, you will loose that. To use the key, you focus on what you have. Sure you can’t run, but let’s say you are in a wheelchair and have full use of the upper body, then with some work, you can get back out there again and wheel along right beside your other half.
Too many times, we see people who loose something and cannot see past that. They need to learn to see the positives in life, and not just the negatives.
We had a relationship based on a gender-oriented attraction. Now, the gender of one half is up in the air as it transitions form one to the other, and part of that puzzle has changed. Instead of getting upset and focusing on the fact that I am not being with someone of a specific gender, I chose to focus on the positive. We have a life we have built together over the past four years and our family and the home we have built together.
Instead of deciding to cut and run because of the loss of one part of the relationship, we chose to focus on the positives of what we have together and keep going at this relationship. What it comes down to is that love can overcome anything if you give it a chance. The old fable of Beauty and the Beast is more than just a romantic fairy tale, it is a historical reference to an idea that truly is as old as time.
While we may wish some days that love would be this awesome wonderful thing that you can’t get enough of, in reality, it is the hugging and kissing, the shared moments, the arguments, the all out fights, the bull shit, horse shit and any other shit you can think of and even all the little cutise things like watching them sleep and waking up in the middle of the night and feeling better because you can hear them breathing next to you.
This is why Love is.
Monday, June 11, 2007
The Video Blog
Giving this a try. Hope it works.
Thought you might all like a chance to see what goes into a blog post here. Fair Warning, I do drop 2 F-Bombs in here. Haven't figured out how to bleep yet :)
Thought you might all like a chance to see what goes into a blog post here. Fair Warning, I do drop 2 F-Bombs in here. Haven't figured out how to bleep yet :)
Friday, June 8, 2007
Wrap your mind around it
Because, in all honesty, there are days when I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole concept. The person I fell in love with 4 years ago is not the person I live with today. Physically anyway. In all the ways that count, she still is, and that seems to be enough for me.
I have to admit, I have yet to really broach this subject, simply because I wasn't sure that I had my brain wrapped far enough around it to really make a stab at it here. now I realize, that perhaps this is the best place to being it out, after all, this my be just what I need to really get the old brain pan fired up and running on all cylinders.
As we approach our 4th anniversary, I take a look back on the last four years of my life and have done a boat load of thinking on it. It took me a long time to get to a point where I was comfortable enough in my sexuality to approach my family and let them know. Now I am sitting here asking a question and being asked a question... "Am I still gay?"
In order to answer this, I have to be totally honest, and admit that I have always been attracted to people, not by their gender, but by a combination of tangible and non tangible traits. Yeah, you have to look good to get my attention, but when it comes down to it, if there isn't a personality to back up the looks, what's the pojt?
The way I see it, you con only spend so much time doing the dirty, the rest of the time you have to have something in common and be able to carry on an intelligent conversation, or else you have nothing but a long term one night stand. That might be nice when you are young, but not for the long term.
I love my wonderful better half for who she is, not what is or isn't between her legs, and if anything, this transition has brought that wonderful person more to the fore of the relationship. There is a lot of truth to the psychologist's saying that you can not love or be loved truly until you can truly love yourself. If you are not happy being in the incorrect gender, then how can you really find that one person you are meant to be with? Some people get lucky, like we did, but so many people go through this long winding road alone because they are not able to form that deep and significant bond that is needed to have this type of relationship. They are too busy being unhappy with themselves to be able to find that. Now, I realize that I just made a huge generalization and there are going to be some people that are going to ge their panties (or boxer briefs) in a snit, but before you bombard me with e-mail, think about it for a minute and it just might make a little bit of sense.
How do I approach this from a physical perspective? Well, I was a little hesitant at first, and there are still days where I put my whole foot in my mouth (and when you are not a professional contortionist, that is rather difficult and can be a bit painful as well) and will likely make more mistakes as we go on, but I do the best I can and take it all day by day. The sex is amazing now, much better than it was before the transition started, so I know that there is not a problem there. I guess the part that really makes me think, is all the changes taken as a group. The name change is starting to come into effect now as well, and when you have called someone by the same name for 4 years, that is not an easy one to make.
Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't understand my point of view on things, but I know that she does read my blog, and I know that she is always willing to talk about things (even if it takes an all out verbal barrage between us to get it out in the open where we can settle down and talk about it) and with that, we can make it through anything.
I think that, for me, the real hard part is not knowing where I really belong any more. Before, I never really had to worry about it, but now, after being part of a community of wonderful people, I have already started to see a change in attitudes, and even though I know that these people are not truly friends, or that they may come around in the long run, it still hurts a little bit each time to loose a part of that lifestyle.
For Pete's sake, I work as a hairstylist, how am I supposed to be straight? (Note: that was a joke, you may laugh now ;)) Unfortunately, taking the good with the bad is a part of life, no matter what you do. I just feel that people need to learn to accept one another all the way around, it isn't just about gay and straight any more, it is about everyone.
OK, I think I am getting some carpal tunnel starting here after all this typing, so I am going to bid you all a good evening and wish you the best on your journey. hopefully, my laptop will be arriving shortly and I can work from places I haven't been able to work from before, giving me the opportunity to update a little more often.
Thanks for listening.
I have to admit, I have yet to really broach this subject, simply because I wasn't sure that I had my brain wrapped far enough around it to really make a stab at it here. now I realize, that perhaps this is the best place to being it out, after all, this my be just what I need to really get the old brain pan fired up and running on all cylinders.
As we approach our 4th anniversary, I take a look back on the last four years of my life and have done a boat load of thinking on it. It took me a long time to get to a point where I was comfortable enough in my sexuality to approach my family and let them know. Now I am sitting here asking a question and being asked a question... "Am I still gay?"
In order to answer this, I have to be totally honest, and admit that I have always been attracted to people, not by their gender, but by a combination of tangible and non tangible traits. Yeah, you have to look good to get my attention, but when it comes down to it, if there isn't a personality to back up the looks, what's the pojt?
The way I see it, you con only spend so much time doing the dirty, the rest of the time you have to have something in common and be able to carry on an intelligent conversation, or else you have nothing but a long term one night stand. That might be nice when you are young, but not for the long term.
I love my wonderful better half for who she is, not what is or isn't between her legs, and if anything, this transition has brought that wonderful person more to the fore of the relationship. There is a lot of truth to the psychologist's saying that you can not love or be loved truly until you can truly love yourself. If you are not happy being in the incorrect gender, then how can you really find that one person you are meant to be with? Some people get lucky, like we did, but so many people go through this long winding road alone because they are not able to form that deep and significant bond that is needed to have this type of relationship. They are too busy being unhappy with themselves to be able to find that. Now, I realize that I just made a huge generalization and there are going to be some people that are going to ge their panties (or boxer briefs) in a snit, but before you bombard me with e-mail, think about it for a minute and it just might make a little bit of sense.
How do I approach this from a physical perspective? Well, I was a little hesitant at first, and there are still days where I put my whole foot in my mouth (and when you are not a professional contortionist, that is rather difficult and can be a bit painful as well) and will likely make more mistakes as we go on, but I do the best I can and take it all day by day. The sex is amazing now, much better than it was before the transition started, so I know that there is not a problem there. I guess the part that really makes me think, is all the changes taken as a group. The name change is starting to come into effect now as well, and when you have called someone by the same name for 4 years, that is not an easy one to make.
Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't understand my point of view on things, but I know that she does read my blog, and I know that she is always willing to talk about things (even if it takes an all out verbal barrage between us to get it out in the open where we can settle down and talk about it) and with that, we can make it through anything.
I think that, for me, the real hard part is not knowing where I really belong any more. Before, I never really had to worry about it, but now, after being part of a community of wonderful people, I have already started to see a change in attitudes, and even though I know that these people are not truly friends, or that they may come around in the long run, it still hurts a little bit each time to loose a part of that lifestyle.
For Pete's sake, I work as a hairstylist, how am I supposed to be straight? (Note: that was a joke, you may laugh now ;)) Unfortunately, taking the good with the bad is a part of life, no matter what you do. I just feel that people need to learn to accept one another all the way around, it isn't just about gay and straight any more, it is about everyone.
OK, I think I am getting some carpal tunnel starting here after all this typing, so I am going to bid you all a good evening and wish you the best on your journey. hopefully, my laptop will be arriving shortly and I can work from places I haven't been able to work from before, giving me the opportunity to update a little more often.
Thanks for listening.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Back to it
Hey there. I have to apologize for the lack in updates lately. As some of you may know, I am now working full time nights and part time days. Doesn't leave a whole lot of time to work on this project.
Things are going well, and we are looking around for options that are cost effective and will help things along. We came across references to orchiectomy and started to research it as a viable option for progressing along the transitional path. The surgical procedure is a removal of the testicles,which are not used in GRS anyway, and will remove the testosterone from the system. This will help in the transition as it will allow the HRT to really work on the body, while eliminating the physical conflict within the body caused by the HRT fighting the testosterone naturally formed by the body.
The other benefit to this procedure, is that it allows the transition to move forward, while not costing the full amount of a GRS.
OK, time to go back to work now, but I promise to work to keep the updates coming.
Have a great one, and remember, love is. No qualifiers, it just is.
Things are going well, and we are looking around for options that are cost effective and will help things along. We came across references to orchiectomy and started to research it as a viable option for progressing along the transitional path. The surgical procedure is a removal of the testicles,which are not used in GRS anyway, and will remove the testosterone from the system. This will help in the transition as it will allow the HRT to really work on the body, while eliminating the physical conflict within the body caused by the HRT fighting the testosterone naturally formed by the body.
The other benefit to this procedure, is that it allows the transition to move forward, while not costing the full amount of a GRS.
OK, time to go back to work now, but I promise to work to keep the updates coming.
Have a great one, and remember, love is. No qualifiers, it just is.
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